Leave It All Behind
by Nuttyshake
Summary: "Sam's not back yet?" "She's probably still saying goodbye to Carly. I wouldn't worry, just give them some time." "But it's been half an hour. Shouldn't she be back by now?" Post iGoodbye.


Freddie has put all his equipment back in his room. It feels weird, watching his camera and laptop on a shelf instead of Carly's studio. Like it doesn't belong there anymore. Like it's just an exposition of old tech stuff that will be covered with dust in a few years.

He can't bring himself to move from that spot in front of the shelf. He's scared if he looks away, if he forgets about his equipment for one second, the realization that iCarly is over will sink in, and he'll have to deal with it. He'll have to deal with forgetting iCarly ever existed, feeling it fade away from his memory until it's nothing more than an old memory, something he'd bring up at a high school reunion and that would make everyone laugh, remembering the good times. Also, he doesn't want to get back to a reality where Carly isn't waiting for him and Sam in her apartment everytime they get back from school or want to come over because they needed to get away from their crazy moms.

He's not gonna see Carly in a while. He'll have Sam, Spencer and Gibby, but it won't be the same. Sam and him barely talk anymore; it's like a wall has risen between them, and he knows it's mostly his fault. He doesn't mean to cut her out, but everytime he sees her he remembers kissing her. He remembers holding her hand with his free one, the one that isn't holding an umbrella, as they stroll through Seattle under the rain. He remembers their dates, he remembers Sam always ordering the right side of the menu and him having to pay an astronomical bill. He remembers all their arguments, every stupid little thing they used to fight about, and making up with a kiss afterwards. He remembers their last night together in the elevator and how hard it had been for them when the clock hit midnight. He remembers how hard he'd wanted to forget her, and started hating her instead. Because no matter how hard he tried, things couldn't go back to the way they were. And it was all her fault.

But now she's the only thing he has left. No matter how hard he tries to hate her and how obnoxious she can be, she's his friend. And he really doesn't want to spend all his time apart from Carly with Gibby: the kid is nice and all, but if he wanted to hang out with a nutcase he would stay at home with his mother.

He finally tears his eyes away from the shelf and backs up, closing his bedroom door with a sigh. He crosses the hallway and puts his ear against the door. He hears silence. He would find it weird, but Carly has just left, and he doesn't expect Sam and Spencer to be laughing as if nothing happened.

When he opens the door and only finds Spencer, sitting on the couch, with a squirrel camera burning in his hands, he's startled. He decides not to ask questions about the squirrel on fire. He knows better than to question Spencer's fire bending abilities. "Hey, Spencer?"

Spencer seems lost in his fantasies, a common expression for him. He tilts his head towards Freddie confusedly, as if he hadn't heard him come in. He fakes a smile. "Hey."

"Where's Sam?" Freddie closes the door behind him and looks around the apartment. He was sure she'd be at the fridge, eating her sadness for her best friend's departure away, but she wasn't there. "She's not back yet?"

"She's probably still saying goodbye to Carly. I wouldn't worry, just give them some time."

"But it's been half an hour." he states. "Shouldn't she be back by now?"

"Half an hour?" Spencer whirls around to look at the clock and his mouth opens in shock. "Oh, wow. I didn't even notice." He sighs and shakes his head sadly. Freddie feels bad for him. It must have been difficult to let go of his sister, who he raised for ten years, whose presence everyday of his life he grew accustomed to. Spencer has never been alone, but from now on, he will be. "Anyway, I'm sure she's fine. She'll be back in a few minutes. I mean, what could happen to her?"

"I don't know." he says, taking out his new, gigantic phone from his satchel. The fact that Spencer doesn't even laugh tells Freddie all he wants to know about his state of mind. "I'm getting worried."

He dials Sam's number and waits for her to pick up. Her phone rings four times before going to voicemail. "_Hey, this is Sam. No one ever checks these messages, so just hang up."_

Freddie curses under his breath and Spencer hears him. "What's up?"

"She isn't answering her phone. Spencer…"

He furrows his brows. "It's okay." he says, but he doesn't sound convincing. "Let me try. Maybe she'll answer me. You know, because you…" he stops abruptly. "Forget it."

He knows what Spencer was about to say. He was about to say Sam wouldn't answer his call because she's angry, or because she needs time alone and he's not the one she needs right now. Even Spencer understands what's happening between them better than he does.

Freddie holds his breath as Spencer takes his phone to his ear. He almost loses hope, when suddenly Spencer jumps from the couch and starts speaking. "Sam! Where are you?"

Freddie expects to hear him say something like _oh, alright, take your time and come back soon _or even _oh, I'm sorry, good luck with your mother and her new boyfriend _in a matter of seconds, but he doesn't. Spencer is silent for a long minute, then his eyes widen and he starts stuttering. "What? Sam, look…yes, I know, but…don't do this…but why…Sam!"

"What's wrong?" He grabs his arm and shakes it. "Spencer, what's wrong? Where is she?"

He shushes him and gestures to wait. "Sam, are you kidding me…you can't be serious…but what about your mom…"

Freddie feels shivers down his spine. He tenses even more when he hears his own name. "Freddie? What…oh, alright. I'll tell him. Are you ok?"

"Put her on speakerphone!" Freddie yells, and he's sure Sam has heard him. Spencer sighs and does as requested, with a sour expression on his face.

"Spencer?" When Freddie hears her voice, he instantly relaxes. There are noises in the background, like cars honking and wheels squeaking on the road. "Are you there?"

"Yeah. Sam, are you ok?"

She laughs. Freddie has always loved her laugh. She sounds so happy and carefree. But there's also a bit of sadness in her voice. Freddie just wants to know where she is and what she's doing. "Yeah, I'm fine. I just need to get away for a while."

"Get away?" Spencer repeats. "But…where are you going? For how long?"

"I don't know. Wherever the wind blows me. And…for good, Spencer. Take care of yourselves."

Freddie can't hold himself any longer. He grabs Spencer's phone and takes it to his ear, pacing back and forth in front of the couch. "Sam, what's happening?"

There's silence on the other line for such a long time Freddie thinks she hung up, but then her voice comes out weak and startled. "Freddie." she whispers his name, and it's the most beautiful sound he's ever heard.

"Where are you?" he chokes out.

"I don't know. Somewhere in Washington, I guess."

"Will you come home?"

"No. I won't. Not for a while, at least."

And that's when his blood freezes. "Sam, c'mon, don't be stupid. What are you doing?"

"I'm leaving, Freddie. It's time for me to live the adventure I've always wanted to live. I need some time away from Seattle."

"But…why didn't you tell us? Why did you just take off and leave?"

"You would've convinced me to stay. And I didn't want to. There's no reason for me to stay in Seattle anymore."

"Sam…no. What about your family? What about your friends?" _What about me?_

"You guys will understand. You'll go on." She's silent for some seconds. It sounds like she stopped driving (does she even have a license?) "Listen, I have to go. I'll call you when I get there."

"Sam, what did you want to tell me?"

She pauses, as if trying to remember the words from a long forgotten script. "I'm sorry, Freddie. I'm so sorry."

Her voice breaks at the end of the sentence. She hangs up. And Freddie's whole world crashes down on him.

xxxxxxxxx

Sam ends the call before she can say something she'll regret. She doesn't want to hear Freddie's voice anymore. She doesn't want to hear him ask her to come home. She doesn't want to hear any more promises that will end up being broken. But most of all, she doesn't want to admit he played a big part in her decision to leave.

Not because he broke her heart and rejected her and made her feel like nothing after making her feel _special, _after thinking someone could put her before Carly, for once, and that she could find happiness. No, she's used to being second best. And she's also used to pretending she's okay when she's really not. But there's nothing left for her in Seattle. Not her best friend, not her family, not the boy she loves and who will never love her back because he loved her best friend all along, even when they were together.

And she had been stupid enough to believe him when he'd told her he loved her. No, she _chose _to believe him. She chose to be blind and accept it even though she knew it wasn't true, just to live in that illusion for a little bit longer. Because if they were to break up soon, all she wanted to do was believe him, believe their relationship had meant something to him. She needed to be reassured that they would try again, in the future, if she had become more normal. And she'd tried. But it wasn't enough.

So she'd told herself, "screw it."

As she mounts on the motorcycle again and starts the engine, she feels more free than ever before. She's going away, away from everyone and everything she knew, headed to who-knows-where, and she couldn't be more excited.

_I'll disappear from your life. You won't have to worry about me. That's what you wanted, right? I'll be alright. More than alright, actually. I've always wanted to go away. Who knows what the future has reserved for me. But I know I'll get a good job, without you tearing me down. I'll settle down, without you asking me how I can afford to pay the bills. I'll start a life you won't be part of. _

That thought makes her smile. The cool breeze messing up her hair, the city lights on her face, the thrill of the ride. She's starting over. She's leaving all her problems behind. She doesn't want to feel sad anymore.

But there's only one thought, nagging her in the back of his mind. And maybe it's only her imagination, but the little, persistent voice sounds exactly like Freddie.

_That's the only thing you've always been good at, right? The only thing you've ever known. Running away when things get complicated. When you're scared._

She keeps her eyes on the road. _Shut up, _she wants to scream. _I'm not scared._

_Really?_

She grits her teeth. _I'll show you. _

She presses the gas pedal and, with a squeak of tires on the asphalt, she speeds up after taking yet another turn through the hills.

_I'm never coming back._

_xxxxxxxx_

**A/N: So, what do you think? The finale has left a very bittersweet taste in my mouth (don't even get me started on how done I am with Dan and how angry I am he couldn't even get us some closure) but now I have a lot of Seddie fan fiction ideas. Do you think I should turn this into a multichapter, or just leave it as a one shot? Also, this is the first time I use the present tense and it's very difficult for me, so if you find any mistakes, just tell me. Hope you liked it! Reviews are appreciated.**


End file.
